#keepingitreal

Nachos and a pink girly cocktail…that was the combination of food my best friend was treating me to when a fun night out playing poker and drinking turned, quite literally, explosive.  A full-on screaming “F- You” type of fight occurred all because I got pissy that she was being her generous self and buying me a drink.  And the reason for my piss ass attitude was that I was “feeling too fat” after eating the nachos and skipping a workout or two over the weekend (which I should mention was also my vacation).  I brought my best friend since seventh grade to tears over a fucking plate of nachos.  You might be asking yourself, “Who is this crazy bitch?  Thank god she isn’t my friend!”  The truth of the matter is that I, like so many other women these days, was so stressed about what one missed workout would do to my physical appearance.  Missing a workout or overindulging in fatty foods brought out the worst in me.  Calories were counted religiously.  Looking back I’m shocked that my husband ever became my husband after enduring daily laments of “I’m sooooo fat!” and nervous breakdowns over one missed yoga class.  He’s confessed to me that he didn’t like treating me to fancy dinners or spontaneously purchasing Ben and Jerry pints because I made him feel bad by bitching about how many calories I would be consuming if I ate them…and then I ate them, and then I bitched about being fat.   And on the rare occasion I’d even try and barf it right back up.  

And if this is making my eating habits sound bad, just imagine my workout schedule.  I went from being a collegiate athlete where my workouts were focused on a healthy intention (winning!!!!) to working out purely to stay thin.  With this mindset if an hour of working out was good, then three hours of working out was better.  Yoga, running, lifting, sprinting, hiking, core work…I tried to fit in as much as I could every day.  If a workout was on the schedule but wound up being missed because of laziness or work meetings I became instantly depressed, snapping at anyone that dared enter my presence.  The quality of my day was determined by how much working out I did and how little I ate.  I spent several years of my life dealing with these disordered eating habits.  Living life with the single focus to be the thinnest I could be.  I don’t want this problem to be magnified, I definitely wasn’t in the lowest place you could be but I was struggling with body image on an almost daily basis.

I’m happy to be able to say that I no longer feel this way about my body.  It’s hard for me to pinpoint the exact moment when my outlook shifted.  I know that yoga did a great deal for me.  When you stare at yourself half-naked in a mirror for 60-90 minutes several times a day there comes a point where you can no longer tolerate the negative thoughts that creep in.  You have to find something positive to say.  It can be how strong your quads look in Warrior II, how beautiful the curve in your back is during Camel…but after hours of staring at my body I slowly began replacing the negative thoughts about a little flub here and there and embracing the curves of my body.  The biggest change in my attitude towards both food and my body have definitely come as I’ve started running more competitively.  It’s slightly ironic that as I have become involved in a world where smaller is considered an advantage I’m okay not being the smallest one in the field of runners.  As I’ve started training harder I’ve had to be okay with eating enough to nourish the increased workload.  I’ve learned that a big post-run breakfast leaves me energized to tackle the rest of my day AND replenish my muscles for another run.   It is no longer the number one priority of a workout to shrink my thighs/hips/tummy.  Rather I do each workout with focus.  Some runs are meant to make me fast; others are meant to build my endurance.  When lifting I’m building muscle so that my legs can power me up hills and my core keeps me stable.  Yoga classes are meant to treat my overworked body, stretch the tight spots, and sometimes to just be in a place of peace for an hour.  And a day off is no longer viewed as a step backward but the opportunity for my overworked body to catch up, to reset and be ready for another round of hard work.  It’s taken me several years to get here but I am genuinely a much happier person now that I don’t hate on myself.

I’m not going to write in this post about how the media puts pressure on women to look a certain way, blah blah blah.  But I do genuinely feel that women live in a society where this type of behavior is more accepted.  Remember the episode of Sex and the City where Charlotte, Miranda, and Carrie are all complaining about their body and Sam sits there in silence.  When confronted she replies, “What?  I love everything about myself.  I wouldn’t change a thing.”  The reaction to that comment is disbelief, heaven forbid a women proudly stand-up and say “Hey…this is who I am and it’s pretty damn great”.  

It’s acceptable to make public statements where we put ourselves in a negative light.  We’re conditioned to believe that this type of self-talk is healthy and normal, but the truth is little by little those comments can become full blown delusions that lead to some pretty ugly behavior (read the first two paragraphs).  But, with encouragement from Lauren Fleshmans brave blog posts about body image (http://asklaurenfleshman.com/2013/11/keeping-it-real/ and http://www.runnersworld.com/womens-running/lets-keep-it-real-about-our-bodies?cm_mmc=Twitter-_-RunnersWorld-_-Content-Blog-_-KeepingItReal), I am ready to stand up against the norm and hope to change the course of the tides and say “I LOVE MY BODY!” I’m not making this statement out of narcissism or an overinflated ego but rather out of the respect that I have gained for my body.  My body does some pretty incredible things…it has carried me through one successful athletic career and hopefully through a second attempt at athletic glory!  It lets me play with my dogs, love my husband, get up and go whenever I please.  And it doesn’t get the credit that it deserves.  I’m not there yet, and I probably won’t ever be 100% there but I’m making a conscientious effort to honestly love all aspects of my body.  Every curve has a story…whether it be the curve of a strong hamstring muscle that lets me run farther and faster each day or the curve of a tummy full of delicious Sea Salt Caramel ice cream.  

Post yoga...sweaty hair, muffin top, and tummy rolls!  Negative images in the media eyes...but I think they're all beautiful!

Staring at those four words “I Love my body” gives me chills.  It’s a surprisingly hard thing to say and to publicly admit but I challenge each and every reader to say it to themselves.  Say it today, say it tomorrow, and one day it will come true.  Through our words we have made ourselves believe flaws are ugly.  Change your words and you will start to believe that you are beautiful too…imperfect, flawed, and still strikingly gorgeous!

****I want to thank the women who started this, Lauren Fleshman; my talented coach Magdalena Donahue who told me to “think about” posting a picture; and the amazing group of runners I’ve befriended here that embody this message and give only love and support to each other (and never ever cut each other down), and my best friend Tiff for being the unfortunate inspiration to my intro I love you so much!

Tinkerbell Half Marathon Weekend

I just returned from a really FUN and successful destination race weekend at Disneyland!!!!!!  While it wasn’t my first time traveling for a race (and it most definitely won’t be my last) I had some new experiences that I plan to learn from so that I can continue to develop into a strong runner (and pleasant travel buddy) down the road.  It is challenging to be somewhere and have a great time while still making sure that you’re taking care of your body so that you can race with a fresh body.   A little pre-race pampering on a vacation can come across as super lame-ass (no alcohol, early bedtimes, etc…) to those who don’t run.

LESSON #1: Know not only your travel plans, but the travel plans of others.  I woke up on Thursday realizing I had no plans on getting from airport to hotel and was ready to just swallow a $40+ taxi ride.  Fortunately for me I ran into someone in our group that was on the same flight as me and she knew of two others that would be arriving around the same time.  This not only lowered the cost of the taxi from $40 down to $10/person but it also allowed me to hang out with others rather than sit by myself in my hotel room for the afternoon.

                  After arriving on Thursday and having some time to settle into our hotel rooms the four of us that arrived together all walked down to Downtown Disney and enjoyed a DELICIOUS meal.  I indulged in Lobster Mac & Cheese!  But kept the meal alcohol-free, boo!  It is sooooo challenging to not order alcohol when out on vacation, but kudos for my will-power.  Had I not run into them in the airport I may have just spent the evening by myself and not gotten out and explored Anaheim.

LESSON #2: Put your feet and legs on a pedestal…they deserve to be spoiled! I learned this little lesson in two ways.  The first was walking to/around Downtown Disney the first night in cute little flip-flops.  I could feel my heel develop a blister.  Not a good thing when you need your feet to carry you 13.1 miles in 3 days.  Luckily for me nothing popped up so my feet were safe for the time-being, but it was much too close for comfort.  Secondly, I spent much of Friday walking around Disneyland which resulted in a “knotty” feeling in my hamstring.  Once again, panic ensued!!!!!  Turns out I probably wasn’t drinking enough water…I mean I didn’t pee ALL DAY which is not a good sign.  I hydrated like no bodies business for the rest of the trip and once again, my panic was a little unnecessary.  Wear comfy shoes, walk around but not an excessive amount, and drink lots and lots and lots of water.  Your body deserves it.

                  Friday was all about Disneyland.  We got there fairly early and brought with us an unofficial Disney tour guide.  She knew all the ins and outs of kicking ass at Disneyland.  We hit all but one major ride in less than 2 hours!  This led to enough time for a delicious lunch and some souvenir shopping.  By about this time my hamstrings were acting up and I was getting really tired.  See Lesson #2…DRINK WATER (take care of yourself).  Unfortunately this led me to bailing on the parade and fireworks and tucking myself into bed by 9:30.  

LESSON #3: DON’T BE AFRAID TO TAKE AN EASY RUN.  By Saturday I was starting to stress…I walked a bunch the last few days; I was suffering from a cold, I’d been de-hydrated.  You guessed…panic set in!  I started Saturday off with an easy 3-mile run down to Disneyland and back.  This short run really boosted my confidence…I felt no pain in my legs/feet, I was able to breathe through the congestion, and I even saw the 10K crowd finishing up!  Don’t be afraid to get out there the day before an event and get the blood-pumping.  Just keep the intensity low!  Reminding yourself that you know how to do it and you are well trained may settle some pre-race nerves.

LESSON #4: GET TO THE EXPO EARLY (or don’t if you wanna save $).  The expo was a fairly quick in and out process for us.  We spent about an hour walking around and somehow I managed to only spend $30 total. I had hoped to load up on Tinkerbell Half Marathon souvenirs but by the time we arrived most things had sold out L  Lesson learned…get there early for souvenirs, or show up later to save money.  Your choice!

                  The rest of Saturday was all about well, resting!  An early dinner (5 PM) and an early bedtime (8 PM). 

And we're off on 13.1 speedy miles!

RACE DAY HAS FINALLY ARRIVED! I woke up, already dressed in my race outfit, to a text from Rob and a fresh, hot cup of coffee…2 of the best things that can happen at 3 AM. I enjoyed the quiet calm of the morning as I finished any preparations I needed for race day.  I pinned my number on, threw on a layer of warm clothes, packed my GUs, and grabbed a spare water bottle and headed out to the shuttle.  Upon arrival at the race…

LESSON #5: FIND A WARM BATHROOM, SERIOUSLY IT IS AWESOME!…I somehow was the only person racing that morning that thought it might be a good idea to check out the hotel lobbies and use their facilities rather than freeze my tush off in a port-a-potty.  Of course the ladies room was locked but having no shame so early in the morning I checked mens room and walked in there like it was nothing strange.  It was only 4 AM and the race was dominated by women so I couldn’t possibly imagine a guy coming in.  My ability to not care provided me with a warm and toasty place to hang out and play some Freecell for like 15 minutes; definitely beats wondering around in the dark and cold.

After leaving the warmth of my men’s bathroom, I ran a quick 10 minute warm-up and proceeded to fight my way to the front of the corral where after 15 minutes or so Tinkerbell appeared on-screen and started us off on our 13.1 miles of magic (it’s comments like that which make me realize I spent too much time at Disneyland).

The first several miles were fairly uneventful as I raced through the parks.  I did my best to enjoy the experience; see everything lit up; wave to all the characters but still maintain my goal pace and keep certain people in my sights.  As we exited the parks and hit the dark streets of Anaheim I focused on making sure I was getting my nutrition and made my first attempts at maintaining a decent pace through water stops…I was fairly successful but definitely need some practice

LESSON #6: WATER STOPS…securely place your hand over the top of the cup, pinch the cup, and turn the cup.  Chug water!  It might go up your nose and you might completely miss your mouth but I’m confident that this method works (or with some practice, it will work)

LESSON #7: DON’T BE TEMPTED TO CHASE PETER PAN…around Mile 6 I heard someone hauling some serious ass as they caught up with me.  As they approached I was thinking to myself, who the hell is this person?  They are going way too fast to have been behind me!  Turns out it was the leader of the men…fearless peter pan and the leaders bike crew!  I thought for a minute as they blazed past me that maybe I could pick up the pace and try to stick with him for as long as possible…a thought I was able to quickly push out of my head as the distance between the two of us increased greatly (Peter Pan managed to finish in 1:16, glad I didn’t try to push that pace).  Push yourself but don’t get too crazy and try to speed up your pace to a sub 6:00 when you’re happy to be running a 7:00!  Where I am at right now I’m still racing myself…I don’t need to get caught up in racing every individual out there!  The time will come for that; but for now I’m happy to be beating the runner I was 6 months ago.

As the race continued I kept three women close in front.  Slowly I passed one, then the second and kept was steadily closing in on the third when out of nowhere she darted off the course and ducked into a port-a-potty!  And suddenly there was no one that I could see in front of me…and so I ran all alone, in the dark, empty streets of Anaheim. 

LESSON #8: TRAINING ALONE LEAVES YOU PREPARED FOR LONELY MILES DURING A RACE.  After being “abandoned” by the women who had to relieve herself I was all alone on the course for about 2 miles.  Every once in a while I caught a glimpse of the women ahead of me but she had to be probably a half a mile ahead and I was losing sight of her at every corner (and on this course there were a lot of corners).  It was during these miles of the race that I dug the deepest and fought to keep my legs moving.  I feel that a lot of my early morning solo tempo runs had prepared me for this moment.  If I could do it at home when I was truly out there alone, then I could keep moving today, keep moving when it mattered the most.  I knew that I was running just ahead of my goal pace and couldn’t succumb to the burning sensation in my quads and glutes if I hoped to break 1:35…so I just kept pushing, just like every other workout.

After a couple of miles of solo running (and a missed opportunity to take a GU) a Disney miracle occurred.  Around mile 10 two women came up from behind me and unlike other race experiences where you get passed, they stopped and we started talking a bit.  We exchanged names, although they admitted that they’d already nicknamed me Long Legs several miles back.  We discussed PR’s and spent a few more minutes (or tenths of miles) getting to know each other before we settled into a quiet and quick pace.  During these final miles I feel behind the group by a foot or two and heard “where you at long legs”, “keep up with us if you can”, and “pick it up, you can keep this pace”.  They reported our pace, let me know when the last hill was just around the corner, and informed me that finish line was not where you’d expect it to be (it was instead another 1/10 of a mile and two corners away). Upon crossing the finish line we hugged and congratulated each other.

Lesson #9: IT IS SO MUCH BETTER TO SUPPORT EACH OTHER AS WOMEN.  This experience really opened my eyes to another side of competition.  While this race isn’t known for it’s competitive spirit, the three of us were still a group of women towards the top of a race.  But rather then blow past me and let me fight to the finish on my own these women lifted me up and their positive spirits helped carry me across the finish line.  It’s true what they say, as a whole we get a lot farther supporting each other than when we knock each other down.  If you’re confident with yourself then you can easily encourage others.  This was definitely the best experience I’ve ever had racing and it taught me a valuable life-long lesson about sportsmanship and how to treat fellow competitors as well as my fellow man (or women). 

FINAL TIME: 1:34.15 (6 Minute PR)

PLACE: 16^th Overall (3^rd Age Group)

Post-race celebration!

Both the training cycle and race have taught me a lot about myself as a runner, an athlete, a wife, and a friend.  The discipline that I required to complete my training and be successful in my race has forced me to grow a lot in all aspects of my life.  The way that I felt during this race has taught me that there are weaknesses that I have (leg strength and speed) and also strengths (endurance, steadiness).  But most importantly at the end of the race I felt that I had more to give and that I haven’t come close to reaching my potential as a runner.  I have had the last week to reflect on my performance, enjoy the success that I have had but know I am ready to start looking forward, develop a new set of goals and get to work accomplishing them all.